As I have done occasionally at times in the past, today I wrote this "other stuff" post for you that isn't on the topic of audio or music, but that I think is particularly relevant this time of year when the Holiday Season is arriving upon us in full force, and the days become short, dark, and cold, causing quite a few people to experience Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) as a result.
I just wrote a post about dealing with toxic relationships for my Facebook friends, using a few "open kimono" examples from my own life, and I thought it was worth repeating here at Jeff's Place, as we are heading into the Holiday Season here in the States that can be a difficult time for a lot of people.
Also, many countries on Planet Earth are experiencing an increasingly toxic national environment of late, just as we are experiencing in the USA as a result of the toxic behavior in politics, and the way that affects people's daily lives and emotions.
Toxic people. I had a very interesting conversation with a friend some months ago about toxic people, whom she defined as any person in your life who harms your emotional, physical, spiritual, sexual, or financial health. I'm not talking about a one-time mistake by a person that is forgivable, but ongoing behavior patterns that damage the recipient of them.
In the past I have been one of those people who wanted to reach out to troubled/toxic individuals in a benevolent way, thinking everything would work out ok because of my good intent. However, the result of my reaching out to toxic individuals was those toxic relationships always resulted in damage to my life, to a greater or lesser extent.
Toxic people can be coworkers, a spouse, family, friends, Facebook “friends”, friends of friends, or in my case where I write about audio & music to a large readership, it can even be readers.
My observation is that if you have experienced toxic behavior in your life from a relationship, if you have experienced toxic behavior – or a pattern of toxic behavior – you’ll likely see it again, so just hoping it will change or go away will not be an effective way to address it for your own wellbeing.
If the toxic person is a coworker who has created a hostile work environment situation you can address the situation - in the USA - by speaking to your HR department, filing a complaint with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC), or hiring a lawyer, but remember to always handle these situations gracefully and professionally, in order to maintain your own integrity and prevent counter-accusations that could damage your life & career further.
I know some of my Facebook friends have written about how difficult it is to remove a toxic person from your life when it is a family member or parent, and my heart goes out to you. I would suggest working closely with a reputable counselor in that situation that can educate you and serve as a coach on how to deal with the situation in an emotionally healthy way.
A toxic relationship can also be related to a spouse, and I have experienced that with a spouse who was severely mentally ill. Getting counseling for the both of us was my first step, and it led to my spouse being treated by a psychiatrist, who had identified “unfixable” severe psychiatric issues that could be moderated by medication only to a small degree. I thought I could work through that sort of situation in spite of the emotional duress, but eventually the situation melted down, and my spouse’s psychiatrist told me that I would be a lot better off without that person in my life. The psychiatrist was right.
Dealing with toxic friends can be difficult and emotionally draining too. Some years ago, I had a toxic friend whose behavior had become so erratic and abusive over time that I had to end the friendship. It was complicated by the fact that the person had me in their will as the executor of their estate, and a sizable portion of $ would have come my way had I stuck it out. Why didn’t I stick it out? Well, in this case the toxic friend’s behavior had become so erratic that I became concerned that the toxic behavior could potentially result in my own death from violence. Sobering eh? Ending that sort of toxic relationship is a no-brainer at whatever the cost.
While the above example is an extreme one, toxic friends can be tricky to deal with because it can mean eliminating someone from the “tribe” of our life, or exiting “a tribe” you are a part of permanently, which is always painful emotionally. Again, I recommend working closely with a reputable counselor that can educate you and serve as a coach on how to deal with these sorts of situations in an emotionally healthy way.
I spent quite a few years volunteering as an EEO counselor and a dispute resolution counselor, and it was astonishing to me how terrible people can behave towards each other in terms of gender, race, nationality, religion, disability, sexual orientation, age, or other legally protected categories, or just by frequently being a general a$$hole to the people around them.
Some people are aware of their toxic behavior and enjoy inflicting it on other people with malicious glee, yet there are others that are completely oblivious to their toxic behavior patterns. The damaging effect of their behavior is the same.
During the Trump political era I have observed this sort of toxic behavior and lack of civility to have increased dramatically, making it a very difficult time for a lot of people, disheartening for everyone, and adds a lot of stress to day-to-day living.
I post this because we are entering into the Holiday Season when these sorts of behaviors escalate, and I want you to know there are ways to effectively deal with the toxic people in your life that are healthy and will improve your life in the long run. Dealing with a toxic relationship is difficult emotionally, for sure, but well worth it in the end for improving your life. There's lots of good people out there that will build up your life, so it is not worth damaging your life due to a few bad apples.
As we are coming up on the Thanksgiving Holiday in the USA, be mindful of the people in your life that build you up. Make a true effort to let them know you appreciate them being in your life, and the positive contribution they make in building up the emotional, physical, spiritual, sexual, or financial foundations in your life.
To all my friends, thank you for being my friend, and I wish the best for you in all your relationships and endeavors!
Ok, time to go listen to some jazz!
